Aitch-Bar

Writing About (Mostly) Not Astrophysics

Category Archives: The Series of Tubes


by 2 Comments

Avatar: The Way of Sascha

Screengrab from It's Always Sunny of Dennis saying "It's about the thrill of wearing another man's skin."

Pictured: Me

Back in 2010 I was out at a bar with some friends of my then-girlfriend when a couple young women cautiously approached me. They asked “Excuse me, are you Sascha?” and without hesitation I somehow had the wherewithal to answer “Yes, I am!” They then pulled me aside to compliment me on the talk I had given at RISD earlier that day, and we had a 7-10 minute conversation on “my work” which I gradually ascertained was some kind of social art collective in New York City, where I, apparently, lived.

I don’t know whether they eventually got suspicious that I was who they had assumed, but if so, they never let on. And I remain proud to this day of my quick-witted choice to lie to these unsuspecting strangers. (As it turns out, I looked pretty similar to this guy, but I’m still surprised that they saw and heard both of us in person on the same day and decided we matched.)

In the same spirit, I enjoy being catfished as much as the next guy, so when an unknown Whatsapp user starts texting me out of the blue, in Spanish, fun can only be right around the corner.

It is hard to know what this person was trying to get out of me, but I appreciated her desire to avoid believability. She was from LA, but currently living in Iraq, with her “only daughter.” What was she doing there? She was “posted” there. With whom? With all these random pictures of people in body armor. The army lets you bring your kids now? Yes, if they are very small.

I used Google Translate because I don’t speak Spanish, but that wasn’t much help when she dropped an Indonesian sentence in there and then seemed to understand my response, in Indonesian. Here is the excerpt:

Jenny: I’m Jenny good morning from here
Sorry I misspelled a number when trying to text a friend and your number came up
Sorry if I bother you, can I know your name please?

Ryan: I’m Ryan. Good evening.

Jenny: WOW, it’s morning here now 04:47
Where do you live?
I am from Los Angeles but am currently in Iraq.

[This was one-hour later than the current time in Iraq]

Ryan: Iraq? What are you doing there? i’m in Boston.

Jenny: i’m posted here
I work here and live with my only daughter.

Ryan: Posted in what?

Jenny:

(Would you believe it if I told you reverse image-searching these turn up generic “girls with ammo” pictures on gun-fetish pintrest?)

that’s it
so nothing much
I was here for the other government. We have been in the second troop for 8 months.
Can I know the time there now?

[I quickly double-check whether there are still American troops in Iraq because I’m honestly not sure. ]

Ryan: It’s like 8 o’clock. I’m surprised the army would let you take your daughter with you.

Jenny: yes because she is very small
Aku tidak bisa tinggal jauh darinya (Indonesian: “I can’t stay away from him”)
that’s Lillian that’s her name

Ryan: Tunggu, apakah kita berbicara bahasa Indonesia sekarang? (Indonesian: “Wait, are we speaking Indonesian now?”)

Jenny: (back to Spanish)

No, I wrote to my friend here to find her a child, so I didn’t change it.
Sorry, he was the wrong guy.
Who lives with you?

[At this point my wife, who has been following along with this saga solemnly places her hand on my shoulder and beseeches that I don’t fall in love]

Ryan: You won’t believe when I tell you: I live in a lighthouse

Jenny: wow, it’s nothing, I mean, do you live with your family?
I am a simple girl ok not rich
I live with my daughter alone, who do you live with?

Ryan: The sea is my family. The waves, my lovers. Whales and starfish, my cousins.

Jenny: oh that’s amazing
Are you married or single?
I’m separated I only have one daughter
I turn 25 next month

Ryan: I have no one to call my own, just the lonely expanse of the sea. The heartless void of the abyss.

Jenny: how old are you now my good friend
Don’t you feel lonely sometimes?
Do you want to be single forever?
I am looking for a decent man you are handsome but I don’t know your attitude
What is your occupation do you work?
Ryan… Really great
I am Jenny
Take care I have to rest a bit so I can arrive early for my duty

Once she’d started glitching, the magic kind of went out of it. And I was already married to the sea. Still, what a deep backstory! Just a simple girl not rich trying to make her way in this world. The last American soldier stationed in Iraq, with her small daughter.


by Leave a comment

Geoguessr

Want some bread?

Midway Island, where the airport is named after Chicago

Does Switzerland have Google Streetview ? Do they ever use KPH on street signs in the United States, or is MPH like, federally dictated? Even in Oregon? Is there any good way to tell the difference between highways in South Africa versus Australia?

These are the kind of questions raised by Geoguessr, an excellent new distraction from the whiz kids who brought us ‘heroin.’ Well, not really, but it’s almost as addictive but with few of the negative side effects. The basic idea is that it randomly drops you somewhere in the world in Google Streetview but with no map. The goal is to figure out where you are. You can move around, but going too far is tedious because you only have the little clicky arrows, and can’t drag your yellow person to somewhere else—so you’re really forced to rely on your wits. Street signs, area codes on ads, anything out of the ordinary.

Midway Posers

Midway Posers, posing in the weirdest place on Earth

It gives you a good sense of how most places in the world look essentially the same, and then just a general idea of what distant places are actually like. The best place I’ve gotten so far though was Midway Atoll, (where Google evidently sent a camera a few years ago in some kind of “look at the weird places you can use Streetview! A submarine? No way!). Midway is completely covered in seabirds (there are hundreds in every direction), has no regular cars (only golf carts), pre-fab housing and satellite dishes everywhere, and about 40 Midwayans posed for the camera in a group—staring through the GoogleMaps page like an episode of the Twilight Zone.

You gradually get a sense of certain things about the parts of the world that currently have streetview images. Canada and the Western US are universally annoying, because it is usually possible to get them…but only after scrolling down the highway for 5 minutes until you see a sign. As are the empty parts of South Africa and Australia….and they look similar and both drive on the wrong side of the road, so if you guess on one that you think is one of those, it is always the other. Japan and Russia are completely unsolvable—only by landing next to a monument to some Soviet general was I able to locate myself in Russia. I popped up near a tourist attraction in Japan once…and still got it wrong. You need real letters, not those squiggly ones they use in those places. Also, there are a lot of places in Brazil, and they are always full of people. Isn’t geography fun? In any case, well done Geoguessr, you have so much to teach us.


by Leave a comment

Shameless Promotion

Image

For some reason, you read this blog more than you know me. I don’t know why or how that happened, but somehow, you are looking at this. Although that inexplicable situation has come about, there is something you can do to make things better: go to this link and watch this fairly preposterous commercial entry featuring yours truly. Then “like” it. We are in a contest that is based on how many humans like it. I don’t frequently tell people to do things—usually, when it comes to blogging and whatnot, I tend to just write things for years, for free, and then send it into the electronic void and ask nothing in return. Nonetheless, if any of you humans wanted to watch me embarrass myself for the sake of a local ad campaign, please do, and shoot a ‘like’ in our direction since that is the currency of our brave new world, and our brave entry is in a tight race for first.


by Leave a comment

Two Cats for the Price of One

Brrrow?

This is Venus, the internet’s favorite cat this week.

These are the Charons from the Star Trek TOS episode “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield”:

Anyone else suddenly hungry for Oreos?

This cat-copycatting should come as no surprise: cats have always loved Original Series Star Trek. Dogs on the other hand (which, regardless of their other virtues, are well known to have terrible taste) tend to prefer Voyager. They can relate to Neelix.