We need to talk about this Amish situation. Has anyone actually tried offering them a combustion engine free of charge, and seeing if they’ll just take it? Like, leave one under a tarp, turn around, close your eyes, see if it’s still there after five minutes, and if it’s not then just walk away without raising the point? Here’s why I ask: Because I just drove straight through the back of a horse-drawn buggy. Three times, actually, in three separate locations. I’m not sure why the Amish are a nocturnal people, and I’m not sure why they use such poor reflectors, although I imagine that one can only sew and churn so high a glossiness into a material. I blew right through them. Hat buckles sent asunder. Wooden shoes sailing through the air. Two thousand pounds (max) of bison meat strewn about the road. No, I don’t actually know anything about the Amish. Yes, I just cast them as Dutch Mayflower pilgrims in The Oregon Trail. I got as far as typing “amish wiki” into the Google bar and then decided, fuck it, I’m on vacation.

As long as we’re on the subject, here is the rest of the mosaic stereotype:

• Yodeling
• Master Chocolatiers
• Hunting turkey with blunderbusses
• Windmills, which turn water wheels, which turn other, smaller windmills
• Constantly repelling Shawnee raiding parties
• Owning Ikea
• Pop culture representations include The Lollipop Guild, and at least one of the locations in The Bourne Identity

 

And here are some outstanding questions I’d like answered:

• How was Hans Christian Andersen Amish when they aren’t allowed to read or whatever?
• How did my 3G work so well during my entire trip through their [reservation? stronghold? protectorate?]
• What is their take on Jeff Ireland as GM of the Dolphins? Do they squarely blame Tannehill for the team’s ridiculous performance against Houston, or is it an all-around shoddy offense?

 

Yes the Ohio trip is going great so far. I’m going to go lay down so that a train can wake me up in an hour, every hour, forever.