Back in 2010 I was out at a bar with some friends of my then-girlfriend when a couple young women cautiously approached me. They asked “Excuse me, are you Sascha?” and without hesitation I somehow had the wherewithal to answer “Yes, I am!” They then pulled me aside to compliment me on the talk I had given at RISD earlier that day, and we had a 7-10 minute conversation on “my work” which I gradually ascertained was some kind of social art collective in New York City, where I, apparently, lived.

I don’t know whether they eventually got suspicious that I was who they had assumed, but if so, they never let on. And I remain proud to this day of my quick-witted choice to lie to these unsuspecting strangers. (As it turns out, I looked pretty similar to this guy, but I’m still surprised that they saw and heard both of us in person on the same day and decided we matched.)

In the same spirit, I enjoy being catfished as much as the next guy, so when an unknown Whatsapp user starts texting me out of the blue, in Spanish, fun can only be right around the corner.

It is hard to know what this person was trying to get out of me, but I appreciated her desire to avoid believability. She was from LA, but currently living in Iraq, with her “only daughter.” What was she doing there? She was “posted” there. With whom? With all these random pictures of people in body armor. The army lets you bring your kids now? Yes, if they are very small.

I used Google Translate because I don’t speak Spanish, but that wasn’t much help when she dropped an Indonesian sentence in there and then seemed to understand my response, in Indonesian. Here is the excerpt:

Jenny: I’m Jenny good morning from here
Sorry I misspelled a number when trying to text a friend and your number came up
Sorry if I bother you, can I know your name please?

Ryan: I’m Ryan. Good evening.

Jenny: WOW, it’s morning here now 04:47
Where do you live?
I am from Los Angeles but am currently in Iraq.

[This was one-hour later than the current time in Iraq]

Ryan: Iraq? What are you doing there? i’m in Boston.

Jenny: i’m posted here
I work here and live with my only daughter.

Ryan: Posted in what?

Jenny:

(Would you believe it if I told you reverse image-searching these turn up generic “girls with ammo” pictures on gun-fetish pintrest?)

that’s it
so nothing much
I was here for the other government. We have been in the second troop for 8 months.
Can I know the time there now?

[I quickly double-check whether there are still American troops in Iraq because I’m honestly not sure. ]

Ryan: It’s like 8 o’clock. I’m surprised the army would let you take your daughter with you.

Jenny: yes because she is very small
Aku tidak bisa tinggal jauh darinya (Indonesian: “I can’t stay away from him”)
that’s Lillian that’s her name

Ryan: Tunggu, apakah kita berbicara bahasa Indonesia sekarang? (Indonesian: “Wait, are we speaking Indonesian now?”)

Jenny: (back to Spanish)

No, I wrote to my friend here to find her a child, so I didn’t change it.
Sorry, he was the wrong guy.
Who lives with you?

[At this point my wife, who has been following along with this saga solemnly places her hand on my shoulder and beseeches that I don’t fall in love]

Ryan: You won’t believe when I tell you: I live in a lighthouse

Jenny: wow, it’s nothing, I mean, do you live with your family?
I am a simple girl ok not rich
I live with my daughter alone, who do you live with?

Ryan: The sea is my family. The waves, my lovers. Whales and starfish, my cousins.

Jenny: oh that’s amazing
Are you married or single?
I’m separated I only have one daughter
I turn 25 next month

Ryan: I have no one to call my own, just the lonely expanse of the sea. The heartless void of the abyss.

Jenny: how old are you now my good friend
Don’t you feel lonely sometimes?
Do you want to be single forever?
I am looking for a decent man you are handsome but I don’t know your attitude
What is your occupation do you work?
Ryan… Really great
I am Jenny
Take care I have to rest a bit so I can arrive early for my duty

Once she’d started glitching, the magic kind of went out of it. And I was already married to the sea. Still, what a deep backstory! Just a simple girl not rich trying to make her way in this world. The last American soldier stationed in Iraq, with her small daughter.